ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
