i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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