my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
