I need to stop coming to work sober
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
