he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
