He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize