Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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