I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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