Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
