Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize