Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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