Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
