Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
