I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
