How'd it feel making her break her religion?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Randomize
