I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
