I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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