I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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