He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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