I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize