i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
