Will you blow on my dice?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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