why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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