Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
