Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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