He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
