She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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