i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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