it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
