So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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