I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
