***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
