Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
