So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
