dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
