Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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