If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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