she woke up with a sticky ear
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
