I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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