Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
