His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
