I think i peed on brittanys purse
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize
