he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
