In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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