pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
