i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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