Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
