so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
