Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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