just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize