So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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