I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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