Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
