You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize