When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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