Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
