So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
